Crumbs

Today I cleaned the tray out from the toaster...and cleaned all the crumbs out from underneath it too. Then I moved everything off the counter and cleaned it sparkly. Then the backslash too. This is what I do when I'm stressed. It calms my nerves to clean and straighten. Now, each time I walk into my kitchen I feel a little ahhhhhh. That little ahhhhh soothes my nerves.

Back in 2008 THIS happened. And...it's happened again. That's the reason for my stress. And more.

You see this year has been a very expensive year for us. Mr. P has this ongoing allergy issue causing his eyes to be flaming red and weepy (I'll have to write more on this later). He has seen numerous Doctors....allergist X 2, ENT X 2, pediatric ophthalmologist, and had his tonsils out. That has left us with over $1,000 in medical bills. Sis just had her hernia repair. $800 and counting. Now Tuba needs surgery to replace the battery in his VNS. $$$

That's only part of the stress. The REAL stress for me is a deep worry. I'm afraid we will lose the good control Tuba has had over those nasty seizures. There have been years when Tuba had 100's of seizures a day. That's not a mis-type. Yep 100 + a day....for months on end. Catastrophic.

In 2008 when his battery up and died (which it's not supposed to do) he went from being mostly seizure free to having 10-15 a day. And...it didn't get better for over six months. That's where my fear comes from.

Last week Tuba's teacher mentioned that she has been seeing more seizures. Hmmm...we had noticed more too. Instead of 1 or 2 small ones we had seen double that and they were stronger. I called up the neurologist and took him in yesterday. As soon as they checked his VNS my heart began to beat wildly. An error message saying that the battery isn't working at full capacity. Not again!!! Yes, again. So, they have no idea how much longer the battery will function...if it's working right at all.

I've done this before and I know that it will take weeks....WEEKS....to get the surgery scheduled to change the battery. This makes me panic. I begged for the soonest available appointment. Next Wed. we see the neurosurgeon. Then they will schedule the actual surgery. Panic is setting in again.

Please, please, please God don't let Tuba get worse. Pray for my sweet boy. Pray for me and my panicking self. Pray for Cam too. He feels all the stress of this, the worry for his boy, the bills stacking up, the days he's missed work to be with kids having surgery, AND his panicking wife.

I'm better today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I cried. I asked my friends and family for support and prayer. Then Cam built me a fire and I sat in front of it with him. My calming rock. Today I cleaned crumbs and counters, glued a broken dresser drawer, scrubbed spots off the floor, did the bills, about 5 loads of laundry, and made soup and bread sticks for dinner. I do feel better. When I'm cleaning I pray and it calms me.

Tonight we will enjoy our soup and each other. I'll cross one more day off the calendar. One day closer to getting the new battery.