Naming the Child

I have been wanting to write this post for a few weeks now. Finally, I have time to sit down and write it. Some may wonder why I share such a personal story from my life. I share it because I hope it gives comfort to someone. I think if we share our sorrows it helps each other.

A dear friend of mine just suffered the loss of her unborn baby at 19 weeks gestation. Everything was seemingly fine until a routine ultrasound discovered that the bay had died. This precious baby was a boy and his parents named him Aidan Job.

I had a miscarriage about 4 and half years ago. It was terrible. I was 9 weeks along and on vacation when I started to bleed. We went to the emergency room after phoning my doctor. The doctor treating me at the hospital was awful and insensitive. He told me that it wasn't a baby I had inside of me. I was floored. At first I thought he meant that I hadn't been pregnant. Then I realized what he meant. He didn't consider my 9 week old fetus a baby....just some tissue and cells. After he left the room the nurse profusely apologized to me...telling me that yes I was pregnant and this was traumatic and awful. I did have a baby inside of me. The medical community has all kinds of terms for each stage of growth...the embryo, the fetus...etc. But, I wasn't pregnant with a goldfish or a kitten...no, it was a baby. I was in the exam room alone because Cam had the other kids out in the waiting room. It was scary and lonely. The doctor sent me home and told me there was nothing he could do for me....only time would tell if I'd miscarry. We phoned our doctor and decided to stay at the hotel on vacation. I laid around, took it easy, prayed and waited. After two more days of spotting I woke up soaked in blood. When I went to the bathroom everything came out of me. I took my baby and wrapped it in tissue. I couldn't flush it down the toilet. I took it home with me to bury.

I buried our baby under my rose bush in our backyard. I can stand at my kitchen sink and look out at this rose bush. It was a terribly sad time and Cam and I both mourned the loss. All the plans we had made and all the love we already felt for our baby. At times I felt so much sadness that I felt like I was going a little crazy. After 6 weeks of bleeding I had to go in and have a D&C. Just before the surgery my doctor told me that know matter how much time goes by every woman who has had a miscarriage can tell you exactly how old her child would be. I was so moved by this. It's so true.

After that surgery I slowly crept out of my depression. Of course I had and still do have moments of sadness over our loss. I wonder what our child would be like now.

A few months ago I heard about a book called Naming the Child. When my friends' baby died I quickly ordered this book for them and one for myself. The book is amazing. I recommend it for anyone who has experienced a miscarriage/stillborn/infant death. It was very healing to read...even after all this time. It is also a great resource for husbands, clergy, family and friends. In the book the author talks about naming your child even if you do not know the sex of the child. I have decided to name our baby Gabriel. I think God spoke this name to me. I can feel it in my heart and know it is the right name regardless of the sex of the baby.

This story is not complete without telling you about my rose bush. I was given a rose bush as a gift after I gave birth to Mr. P. He was a summer baby and I never got around to planting the bush until the next summer. It had no leaves and I'm no gardener but I put it in the earth and watered it. It did get a few leaves and then when fall came it went dormant. The next summer in July is when I buried our baby under this rose bush. About a week after the burial the bush began to bud. It bloomed the most beautifully huge rose. It gave me such peace and comfort. I took pictures of this first bloom. The next time the bush bloomed was the following year. It bloomed the day we got Busy Guy's referral from our adoption agency. Once again I felt such happiness and peace. Many times a day I look out my window and gaze at my rose bush. The rose bush is very special to me and I'll be digging it up and taking it with me when we move.